Aging teaches me and my inner child keeps me alive...
As I age, I learn many things about myself and about life. The biggest change is that my mind feels more stable now. Many things I chased when I was younger no longer matter to me. Money, women, and fancy things don’t excite me the same way anymore. I started seeing life as humans make it busy on purpose, just to avoid emptiness and boredom. I think, material things in the old world were mostly about meeting basic needs not about showing off or comparison. Now I see most material things in the new world are made to keep life interesting and keep comparison alive, which makes everyday life more demanding for normal people. With age, I stopped chasing and started understanding. I began noticing how many things around me don’t make sense, and that understanding brought relief to my mind. Now I see things in a better way, no matter how boring they can be.
Most of my life, I felt like I was performing. I was trying to be someone I am not. That performance came from social pressure and expectations from family and people around me. Performing like this made me tired because it took a lot of effort to keep pretending every day. When I look back and ask why I did it, I see that I wanted validation and comparison from people around me. Deep inside I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t know another way to live life because everybody around me was doing the same thing. Being compared again and again made me uncomfortable. Comparison was everywhere, in society and in my family, and it exhausted me at last. The toughest experience was when my ex started comparing me with other people, and my mother did the same thing with me. Anyways, that was a good experience, that's why I am here today.
I am 42 now, and I have an inner child inside me. That part of me is always curious and wants to learn. It keeps asking why life is the way it is and why people live the way they do. This inner child gives me excitement and gives me meaning to live this life. I don’t want this inner child to go anywhere, so I protect it in my own way. Sometimes my inner child makes me feel embarrassed because my curiosity becomes too much. Anyways, I don’t push it down. I let myself explore those questions and satisfy that curiosity. I feel this is the best part of my life. I don’t have many things which I had earlier, but I have some kind of peace which is hard to explain in words, and maybe one day I will explain that peace too. Right now, my inner child is full of strange ideas which I wanted to explore since my younger years, and I am doing that now. I don’t care to be judged, I don’t care to be criticized, because the hunger I had once has come back again in my life, thanks to my inner child.
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